I feel like it's time to stop talking about things and start doing them. How often do we reach this conclusion? Years back, shut up and do it. Frustrated with a lot of things. It's time to move on, it's time to get going, what lies ahead I have no way of knowing. It's been a year since I've updated this thing. Is it anything more than a conduit for my problems? Too stressed to sleep, too tired to read, to think, to be productive. Too early for any of that anyway. Or too late? Work in the morning. Sad irony when so many people don't have jobs, you have a great one, and yet you still don't want to go. Need to go somewhere. Is it time to go alone? Has recent history given anything to work with? Yes? No? Perhaps both. Don't want to look back though. Look back and you'll just see the same things you've seen so many times.

"Let us never speak of the shortcut again."

It's hard to believe 2007 is nearly over.

"What year do you like better, 2006 or 2007?"
"Well I had all my teeth in 2006, so I'd say 2006"

Friday: We arrived in Hartford at around 1:00 in the afternoon. I was surprised by the amount of snow on the ground. My aunt hired a guy named Terrence to drive us from and to the airport. He wasn't much of a driver, ironically, and a professional driver should never spend so much time on his cell phone. It was a pretty typical first-day-in-town, we mostly hung around the house as family members came and went. That night we went to my cousin Joe's soccer game, which wasn't very exciting. That night I went out with my cousin Jim and it was good hanging out with him again. I also saw a few of his old friends who I've known since we were kids. One girl told me she had a picture of me doing my first beer bong, from two or three summers ago. That's actually a funny story. I had just started drinking a few nights ago and this character John Capote was trying to get me to funnel a beer. I was being a pussy about it so he said he'd only pour half in. Well I did it, turns out there were two in there. I can really only remember shades of that night. I'd like to get that picture.

Saturday: The night before the subject of my going to college came up. I didn't want to lie to (or in front of) my mom so I said that was kind of a complicated situation right now. The talk came to fruition the next day at lunch. It went surprisingly well and my mom was almost encouraging. She's awesome, she just wants me to be happy. She's still very much concerned though and I'm glad for it because it made me realize I still have a few things to think through. I want to try and catch a meal with her this week and talk about it all a little more. That night we went to another soccer game, this time my cousin Jack's. This was the championship game and I tried to be as rowdy and obnoxious as possible. I was partly inhibited as a result of the old woman sitting next to me, however, it was still funny screaming "INTENSITY" at sixth graders.

Sunday: The whole family came over for a fake-Christmas celebration and to exchange gifts. The whole weekend was supplemented with cookies and italian food so I probably have some getting back in shape to work on. Really not a whole lot to write about as far as family goes. That night the Magic were on television against the Celtics and that was a lot of fun. Kevin Garnett is really a great player, I think they have a good shot at the championship this year. Later in the evening Sean and I watched The Usual Suspects which I've always thought was a really good movie. Afterwards we watched Rumble Fish, a film we'd never seen before but were intrigued by the cast. I really enjoyed this one, I was very much surprised. Tom Waits had a really cool cameo as a bar-tender named Benny.

(I have to put away laundry and prepare myself for work, this will be updated/finished later)

Monday:

I saw Jethro Tull last night with my dad. After the Bob Dylan let-down I've been cautious of seeing old acts but I was never worried that the Tull wouldn't be great. My dad noted that he first started listening to them in the tenth grade. Looking back on that, he would have never guessed he'd see the band thirty-five years later. It's hard to imagine where I'll be when I'm his age, let alone what bands I'll be seeing.

A funny anecdote: My dad's boss told him not to smoke anything he wouldn't smoke in front of his kids in preparation for the show. It's hard to believe he couldn't tell that Sean and I were both high out of our minds.

I worked this morning at six and it feels like it happened yesterday. I'm nearly ready to pass out but Kendall invited people over.

Through Facebook DC came back into my life, which was a really big surprise. We exchanged a few emails, "catching up" formalities and the like. That part of my life was five years ago and though the bitterness has long subsided, I've still moved on from that period considerably. What I'm getting at is she suggested we hang out some weekend and I've yet to respond to the message. I'm probably complicating the issue much more than I should, I'm normally much more eager to talk to an old friend. Bukowski won't revisit past romances just as he won't re-read a book. For him the story is over and life goes on. Well, I've re-read many books, at least the ones I felt were worth re-reading. In many cases, literally and figuratively (to accord with this example), I'm glad I picked it up again. I may meet up with her just to see how she's changed over the years. Bukowski also doesn't believe in editing, I think, and I edited this post considerably after reflecting on it a moment.

"McKeanes all about originality, just like you!" - Donald Kaufman

Another, much more dramatic, call from the past came from a MySpace browsing session where I noticed a photograph tagged with a memorial note on this one Orlando metal band's page. It took me a moment to recognize who it was, but it soon dawned on me it was a guy named Jay, who was actually the first guitarist Chris and I ever played with (outside of Jason, who at that time wasn't as "serious" as we were). I did a little more research, and discovered that he'd been killed in a car accident not long ago. He was only a few years older than me. I showed it to Chris and he found it equally disturbing.

I've been listening to a lot of Paul McCartney lately, which is kind of funny because I was never a very big fan of any post-Beatle solo material from the four. His new record is surprisingly good, the guy is unbelievable.

I just finished Speaker for the Dead. Though it's been a few weeks, roughly, since I've started it, it seems as if I only read it in a few sittings. Long sittings, with long spaces in between reads. It's hard to weigh it against Ender's Game. They were equally gripping, though Ender's was more exciting whereas Speaker tugged at the emotions a little more. A guy I work with trivialized every book after Ender's Game and before Ender's Shadow as being a monotonous commentary on genocide though I don't know how he reached that conclusion. Speaker for the Dead was a story of relationships, of understanding and forgiving across the lines of limitations we establish for ourselves.

I have to be at work in a little over five hours. I'm terrible with these early shifts. Last time I slept for about two hours before the shift, the time before that I stayed up all night. Speaker for the Dead is largely to blame for this. (And to think, I'm considering starting Xenocide tonight)

I almost forgot to mention, about forty-five minutes ago Suzi, Kelly and a few of their friends barged in drunk/and/or/on ecstasy. Funny thing was that Suzi, who is normally the loudest, was the tame one among them. Kelly clearly wanted to stick around for Kendall, while one of their friends was urging to get back to her boyfriend. The other friend, Faith, was pretty pitiful (I almost regarded her as obnoxious, how you've changed my perceptions, Ender Wiggin). She kept saying things like "I'm black, but I'm not black". I wish I had the energy or clarity of mind right now to get into my feelings on racial self-rejection. I just don't understand it, let's leave it at that.

I got off track there, where was I? Funny drunk girls. It seemed like they couldn't be in more of a rush to get out of here (and Kendall and I were by no means encouraging their stay) though time would stop whenever a chance for a photograph emerged. Anyway, I just feel bad for Garrett who was no doubt woken up by all of it. Sorry, dude. I just hope they made it home ok.

I'm really off schedule as far as sleep is concerned. Last night I stayed up much too late playing Super Mario 64 (51 stars in three sittings), and I slept through my class today. I later found out that I don't have classes on Wednesday either, which makes this week something of a spring break in mid-November. I have to work at seven a.m. and though I was able to get to sleep by 10:00, I only slept for a few hours as my body recognized it as a nap and not the proper time for a full night of sleep. The way things are looking I'll be fucked up and out of it by mid-day.

As far as work scheduling is concerned, this week may mark the end of my tenure at Houlihan's. They gave me hours that conflict with my shifts at Barnes and Noble and, well, my choice will be easy.

Lately I've been inspired by who-knows-what to make mix-tapes that take on different themes. So far I have two under my belt, one of which I'm incredibly proud of. I'm currently at work on something I've titled "Forest" that chronicles a man's travel through the woods. That's all I really have so far, I need to put some more into the story.

Though I prefer to not acknowledge Thanksgiving as a history worthy of celebration, I am looking forward to a really well-prepared meal from my mom. She's a wonderful cook and it's usually only on holidays that she really goes all out. Hopefully I'll be sitting on a week's worth of leftovers like last year.

What is worthy of recognition, however, is the things that we are thankful for. With that said,

Thank you: (in no particular order)

Mom! Who, if anyone on this list, deserves an exclamation point
Dad, Sean, Emily and Jim and extended family for always being there
Josh, Garrett and Kendall for keeping it real Belgrade style
Every other friend and acquaintance who brings a smile to my face
Barnes and Noble for liberating me from the restaurant game
Chipotle for guacamole
Rolando the OG for the constant hookup and good-times
John Frusciante, the Beatles, Black Sabbath, King Crimson, Led Zeppelin and others for auditory pleasure

Four hours until I have to wake up, hopefully this day goes well.

It's been a rather uneventful past couple of days, I just don't want to ignore this journal.

I'm trying to work out a lucrative, five day a week schedule between two jobs. I suppose I have to obtain the second job first. I applied at Chamberlain's and I also have an application for Barnes and Noble. Erika, a girl I work with, works as a server assistant at an upscale restaurant called Beluga and is trying to help me get a job there. Assuming one of the retail gigs works out and pays enough, and likewise assuming that I get this job at Beluga, I could see myself leaving Houlihan's.

Josh and I are taking two hits of acid each tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to the experience, I'm sure it's a big leap from the single hit. Actually, tomorrow should be a good day. I plan on waking up early to go running, catch lunch (ideally Chipotle) with my mom and then wake Josh up and say "Hey dude, wake up. We've got a whole day to enjoy".

This album's almost finished, I think I'm gonna put Running with Scissors on.

Josh just called me and told me he'd started a livejournal. It was then that I realized I haven't updated this thing in almost a month.

Let's catch up:

Acid is one more drug I have to scratch off the "I'd never try that" list. I tried it a few weeks back with Sean and Josh. It was a great experience and it was nice to trip with Josh under a circumstance where I could actually carry a conversation. What was even nicer was that Sean enjoyed himself. Thursday we took a hit each and park hopped Disney. It was a really good time, easily he best drug experience I've had in a while.

I don't know if it's me but I have the hardest time staying interested in my jobs. I'm tired of being a server, but promises of wealth at this restaurant at the Winter Park village has me intrigued. I need to find a way to make enough money to save up for Europe, and to a lesser extent New York/Maryland/L.A., without losing my mind/patience in the process. I also need to drop off an application at Barnes and NobleI don;.

I don't know what I'll do tonight. It's much easier to stay in for the night after these evening runs.

I've started looking into different ways to explore the world without being a tourist. I found an organization that will train you to teach English in another country and another one where you live on an Organic farm and work there in exchange for food and shelter. I've been really considering the latter actually. Farm work is honest work and I'm really tired of living in this country.

I closed the restaurant tonight and it's ironic how it was so unlike the last time I closed (which I consider the best day of work in my life). I scraped in less than fifty dollars and it didn't exactly have the same  great ending.

I've become increasingly frustrated with my luck with girls. I can tell this hostess at work is really into me and I just don't want to get involved with her. It's not that she isn't pretty or anything, I just feel like she's the kind to get emotionally attached and I wouldn't know how to deal with that. There was another, more uncomfortable, instance where this girl was flirting with me all day and gave me her number at the end of the shift. I never called and feel like an asshole because it was sort of a rejection but it was sort of the same situation. I would like to hang out with her though, I really find her interesting. I just don't want to lead anyone on, especially after the whole fiasco at the beginning of the summer.

I'm also considering dropping this math class. It's actually a part of my much more complicated eagerness to give up on everything I was raised to be within the constrictions of the American culture (somewhat addressed in the first paragraph).

Break: I'm going to get another Heineken.

Anyway, Max is pretty bummed because we have the class together. I just wish it was anything but College Algebra. Sophie's much more pissed at me, it's actually going to be funny to see how this thing unfolds.

I meant to post an entry about this last night but it doesn't make much of a difference. Josh and I began a detox diet called the Master Cleanse. For the next eight days we can only consume the following beverage:

- 8 ounces of warm bottled water
- Half a lemon, squeezed
- Two tablespoons grade B maple syrup (less refined sugar)
- A pinch of cayenne pepper powder

Honestly, it doesn't taste nearly as bad as I thought it would. I actually kind of like the stuff, which is strange but at least it isn't making me gag, considering I have to drink it eight times a day. Everyone at work thinks I'm crazy and can't believe I've gone forty-eight hours without solid food. It's incredibly difficult working in a restaurant while going through this however.

On a completely unrelated note, I want to get another tattoo. I just don't have the money.